my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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