kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
