so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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