Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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