Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
