I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
