if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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