Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
