the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
