my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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