The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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