just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
