Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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