Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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