Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My vagina is very pro this idea
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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