you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
