Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
