the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
