He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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