Can i not drive my cunt home
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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