did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
