I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
