I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
