Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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