Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
