Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
