i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
