i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
