while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
