i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
