i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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