i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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