Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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