3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
