In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
