The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
