Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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