Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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