I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
