as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
smell my finger.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
