There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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