I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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