hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
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They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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