I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
