Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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