peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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