I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
