Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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