Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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