just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
