I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
