I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
