Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
