NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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