the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
